I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
wow bdsm is so cute
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