I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
my liver is dry heaving
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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