It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
