so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
