He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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