Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
