my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
