Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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