my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We need to get me chipped asap
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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