I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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