I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
