It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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