Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You're like the curious george of whores
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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