Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
