I wish I only lived at night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
