I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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