Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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