i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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