on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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