So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
