I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
