I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
