I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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