News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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