My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
