I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
