we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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