Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
