There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
