Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
