i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize