I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
sex in a hospital.. check
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
