How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
