if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
