she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
