These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
