sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
