My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
