if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
