They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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