if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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