considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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