she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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