I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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