this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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