Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
