I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
