hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
