I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
