got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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