My liver just broke up with me...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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