i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
