I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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