Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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