i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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