Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We need to get me chipped asap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
