everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
