I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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