now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
