This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
