I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
send nudes
from the living room?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize