The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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