If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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