Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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