This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
